thedistortedview

I wonder how often we think deeply about death. For myself the process takes me to a place that I have difficulty understanding. The idea that my life will end and I will not exist any longer feels so final. At the same time I deeply believe this to be the case with all humans, as with all other living entities.

Once you reach this belief reflection takes on new meaning. While I have often heard people say they have no regrets, that is certainly not the case for me nor do I believe that any thoughful, present, caring person could say so. Some related to death have left permanent scars.

My brother Mike and I had a difficult relationship for years. We had not spoken in 9 years when I answered my mobile. He began the conversation as if we had just spoken last week and spent the next 20 minutes explaining his latest business ventures and indicating that he was ill and going for treatment next week in San Francisco. Two weeks later I received a call from his estranged wife informing me he had died 20 minutes earlier in the hospital. He was 57 years old.

I barely paid attention during Mike’s call and did not make any effort to understand the reason behind his calling me. It turns out he had called our Dad and other brother as well, neither of which he had spoken to for a very long time. In hindsight it was a call for help and I completely missed it.

I continue to believe that Mike knew he was close to dying and reached out in the only way he could which would not have been to ask directly for help. We were very close for most of our lives and I knew during the call and afterwards something was wrong. I did not act on those feelings, Mike died alone and I will never get a second chance.

Death is meaningful, death is difficult and death is permanent.

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